Keeping a Straight Face

Man, late 50s, early 60s, short, round, balding, heavy New York accent, an average looking Joe, steps up to the pharmacy window.

"You're the pharmacist, right? I trust pharmacists more than doctors and dentists. You guys really know your stuff."

I smile and say, "How can I help you?"

"Do you think performing oral sex on a woman causes gum disease?"

"Uh, I, uh..." Average Joe doesn't give me a chance to respond...

"Yeah, I do that a lot. Been doing it for years. Lots of women. They like it. I like it. I talked to my dentist and he says I have gum disease. So I ask him if he thinks I could have gotten it from all my years doing the oral sex thing and he says no that's not possible. So then I ask my doctor and he says the same thing. But I know there's lots of germs and viruses and things down there so I thought I would ask the pharmacist because I'm not stopping what I do but I want to know what there is out there that can prevent this gum disease because like I said I'm not stopping because I'm good at it, ya know, and why would I stop something like that if I'm good at it, right?"

"I... uh... yeah" is what's coming out of my mouth because I have no idea what to say. No idea. 

Average Joe continues, "So what can I get that will help with the gum disease? I don't want gum disease because that's a big turn off to the ladies when you want to do that to them and no matter how good I am at that they're not going to want to let me do that if I have gum disease so I need something I can tell my doctor about because I saw on Katie Couric [see this INFOGRAPHIC for more info] that you can get cancer from oral sex. I even video taped it for a class I teach on oral pleasure at the university. So what do you have that might help me?"

All I can muster out is, "Peridex?" I show him a bottle of the generic.

Average Joe continues: "Yeah, that's what the dentist gave me. I've been swishing and spitting all over the place trying to stop this gum disease with that. I think maybe I'll keep using it because it can't hurt, right? And I'm not stopping because I'm pretty much an expert and I'm not going to stop for gum disease. And you know..." 

Average Joe leans over the counter, and whispers, "These ladies ain't gonna let me stop either." He winks at me.

Joe straightens up and continues, "So yeah I'll keep using that Peridex stuff like you said because that's pretty much the best stuff out there to stop this gum disease and to hell with these doctors and dentists. I knew the pharmacist would know what's going on. You guys know all about these magic drugs like you're Harry Potter and the Emperor's Sword, right?"

Average Joe winks at me again. The tech hands me a script to check-- some poor lady is wheezing while waiting for her Ventolin at the pick up window. I reach over to check it and then look back to Average Joe.

"Well I can see you're busy. Boy you guys really know your stuff. Thanks for the good information and help. I appreciate you guys."

Average Joe walks off. I promise you I kept a straight face the entire time.