Talking to My Gun

I had a long talk with my .357 magnum handgun today. He was all like staring off into space and rolling his eyes, but finally started taking me seriously. Guns are like that. Especially those uppity shotguns. They think they're just too cool because people describe them using the word "gauge."

I told him that I will not tolerate him shooting anyone. I told him how guns are responsible for more deaths than terrorists because the final authority on everything, the media, (which has never stretched the truth about anything) said so.

My gun looked at me with his one good eye. (I hate it when he does that). I could sense there was a good question coming. So I braced for it. "How can you compare a weapon itself to people that use weapons? That doesn't make sense," he said.

"Oh my little friend," I said, chuckling. "Logic isn't part of this argument." I laughed again. More people die from car accidents than from people using guns and people killing as and act of terror (with or without using guns) combined, but no one is asking for a ban on car sales!

My little gun looked at me, puzzled. "You don't want me to kill anyone, right?"

"Of course not," I replied.

"But I can't kill anyone! I need a person to load me. I need a person to point me and shoot the bullet. I can't kill anyone," he said, looking sad.

"You're so cute when you try to use logic!" I quipped. "Look at you there... this isn't about you. This is about going after the true culprit in mass shootings! THE GUNS. They alone caused this mess! Now quiet down or I'll trade you in for a tax-payer funded cash for guns drive and get money to buy an even better gun!"

At that point my gun remained silent. You might think he would have become enraged and gone off on a shooting rampage, but no, he just lay there, not moving. In fact, as it turns out, he doesn't really talk, or think, or move, or kill. People kill people, not guns.