The "Alprazadone" Incident

Miss Loosey is one of our regular patients here at Goofmart Pharmacy. I've had many "fun" discussions with her over the years. One of my favorites was trying to convince her that Vivarin is the same as No Doze, which she kept calling "Doze." Every time she said "Doze" instead of "No Doze" I would laugh and she thought I was laughing at her. I guess I was, now that I think about it.  

Another time she refused to buy a box of "Allergy Relief" (our store-branded diphenhydramine) because it didn't say "sleep aid" on the box, despite my insistence that it truly was the same thing as ZzzQuil. I finally took a pen and crossed out "Allergy Relief" and wrote "Sleep Aid" on the box, but even that wouldn't sway her. Twenty minutes later I saw her on aisle eight with a bottle of ZzzQuil in her cart.

Today I couldn't keep a straight face no matter how hard I tried. Miss Loosey BURST into the pharmacy at lightening speed... wearing a cape over her clothes with her hair lathered up with bleach at the hairline. She was obviously getting her roots dyed while at the salon next door when something she discussed with the hairdresser caused her to run over to the pharmacy.

"I need to talk to you immediately," she blurts out. I point to the waiting room and meet her there. I'm barely in the room when she starts an inquisition of questions about her "Alprazadone." I've long since given up on trying to correct her that it's pronounced "Alprazolam." Besides, the techs and I have a good laugh calling it Alprazadone now. 

Miss Loosey is worried because she was recently arrested for shoplifting at the Snootyville department store. Her pharmaceutically-trained hairdresser blamed the "Alprazadone" and now she wants to build her defense by saying it was the "Alprazadone" that caused her to try on a new pair of shoes and wear them out the door. As she's explaining her story in her present condition I can't help but picture her in the cape with her hair a complete mess, lumbering around the department store impaired by "Alprazadone" and trying on different shoes. And with that image in my head I can't keep the smile off my face. Every time I smile she squints at me in total disapproval.

With the goo starting to drip down her face, she continued to ask me questions. But having a discussion with Miss Loosey isn't really a discussion. She will ask a question and when you start answering it she will cut you off and take the conversation in another direction. I never did get around to addressing whether "Alprazadone" can cause someone to shoplift. Before I could give my opinion, she sped off, cape flapping in the breeze... satisfied because she was convinced I would provide expert testimony at the trial.

I think I can use some "Alprazadone" now.