Ring... Ring... Ring...
"Thank you for calling Goofmart Pharmacy. This is Crazy RxMan, how may I help you?"
"Yes, I wanted to ask your advice on something."
I recognize the voice. I know this lady... but who is she?
"Sure, what can I do for you?"
"I have some dog bites on my ankles. It was from some tiny Chihuahuas. What can you recommend that I put on the bites? I'm not sure but I think they could be infected. Both ankles are red. They were tiny dogs and had small sharp teeth."
A person appears at the PICK UP window. I hold my hand over the phone and say, "I'll be right with you." I only have one technician at this time of the day and she's off making sure our waiting room is "patient ready."
The lady continues, "I love the people that own them but they're... well their home is dirty and I'm sure those dogs don't have clean mouths so I want to know what I can put on my ankles to keep them from getting infected. Is there is a cream or lotion or what can I do?"
"Did you see the doctor?" I ask, hoping she'll get the message that she NEEDS to see a doctor.
A second person gets in line at the register.
"No I haven't seen the doctor yet but I'm just curious to what I can do now ahead of time before I go to the doctor. These bites sure hurt a lot and I'm just sure I'm going to get infected. If I go to the doctor and I need and antibiotic what should I ask for?"
The first person in line starts doing the pee dance. She's been there less than a minute but it looks like she's going to explode any second. That's how it rolls in the snooty part of town where I work.
"The doctor will examine you and determine what type of medication you need, if you need one at all. Perhaps a cephalosporin would be appropriate, I don't know for sure."
"What's a ceffa-sporkin?" she asks.
"It's an antibiotic I see commonly prescribed for skin infections. Of course I can't ascertain what YOU need but the doctor can determine that."
A third person gets in line and starts quizzing the second person in line as to what's going on and why there is a line of people. Where's that damn tech now?
"Listen, can I call you back? I'm all alone here at the pharmacy and I have people waiting. I'd be happy to call you back when we're not busy..."
She ignores me. "What kind of germs are in dog mouths anyway? I'm really worried that I can get an infection and I don't do well on antibiotics. I remember that ceffa-sporkin now. It made me feel sick. I remember taking it before. It just sat in my stomach and didn't do anything. It never dissolved in my stomach and I could feel it in my stomach and it made me feel sick. I can't take that. What can I take?"
I ignored the suggestion that a capsule of medication didn't dissolve in her stomach. That would be worth investigating if it were really true, but the crowd goes more angry. I really need to wrap this up.
"First you need to be examined by the doctor and then the doctor can determine what you need. You can tell the doctor you don't want that medication and he or she can give you something else. Please let me know what the doctor has to say. Thanks for calling..."
People see I'm about to get off the phone and breathe a sigh of relief. They've had to wait a few minutes and it nearly killed them. But now they've realized they're going to live. They're finally on the lifeboat watching the Titanic sink.
She continues, "Well I have more questions about the pain of these bites but since you're giving me the brush off I guess I'll have to suffer on my own."
<click> She hangs up. That was when I finally remembered her... the insanely tall woman with conjunctivitis!