Friday, May 25, 2018

A Fun Question

If you're new to this blog, you've probably never heard of "Foil Hat Lady." She's one of my regulars that insists on having brand Valium (to the tune of $800 a month), says she doesn't drink milk for religious reasons (but buys ice cream all the time), and most of all is very very very concerned about our phone security each time she calls the pharmacy.

Here's some blog posts about my wacky interactions with her if you're interested.

Whenever we see her in the grocery, the technicians all scramble to the far corners of the pharmacy, or suddenly have to use the restroom, or bolt out of the pharmacy. No one wants to deal with her. If I see her first I immediately pick up the phone and pretend to be counseling a patient.

But today I was the last to see her and I'm stuck helping her. Today she has an odd smile on her face. She steps up to the counter...

"I have a fun question," she whispers, barely, so that no one will hear her. I can barely hear her.

"Yes," I respond.

"Where are the condoms?" she asks, giggling a little.

Now this is a woman well into her 60s, married for dozens of years to the same man who is likely at home right now praying to God to give him cancer so he can leave the earth because he's married to the most insanely paranoid woman on the planet. This is NOT a woman you would ever think engages in activities like the birds and the bees, nor is this a woman you would even want to think engages in this behavior. This is a mental image you just don't want.

I'm stunned. What on EARTH would this crazy lady need condoms for? Surely it must be for a gag gift or she's using them to hide something when traveling. Sex? No way. Not this lady. And what's FUN got to do with it? This is NOT a person that has had any kind of fun since 1970, if ever.

"Aisle five," I whisper, pointing in that direction. She heads off toward aisle five, bless her soul.

I'll never know what fun Foil Hat Lady has planned with a box of condoms. I don't ever want to know. You don't want to know. No one does.


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