Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Déjà ValiUm

Ring... ring...

"Hello, this is Goofmart Pharmacy, home of the painless flu shot, how may I help you?"

"Hello Crazy, did my caller ID information show up on your phone?" she asks.

It's Foil Hat lady. I can recognize her voice. And I'm about to have the same conversation I have with her every 84 days

"No. As I've told you every time you call, it just shows up as a private call."

I'm lying. Her phone number shows up every time.

"I need to get my Valium refilled. I would like that filled with brand, and I do not want the bottles opened."

"Yes, we've been doing this for two years now. We've never opened your bottles nor have we given you anything but brand Valium."

<Foil Hat lady pauses>

"Is this a secure line?" she asks.

"Yes, of course. It has level 5 security. I've mentioned that before too."

This is me playing along. I have no idea if our lines are secure or what "level 5 security" means.

"I'll be in to get it in six days. Is that enough time to order it?"

"Yes. I think I've told you before we only need one business day to order it."

"...and you're not going to open the bottles, right?"

"Of course not." All kinds of fun things swirl through my brain to make a joke out of this, but knowing this lady takes this all very seriously, I let it go... again.

"Ok, see you in six days. Goodbye."



C said...

And there is a person with a legit need for Valium, or a really great actress.

Anonymous said...

At least she calls six days in advance. I'll bet if every customer did that you'd put up with all the Fruit Loops. Plus it sounds like she is a lot more pleasant to converse with than 90 percent of the asshats that stroll up to the counter.